Tag: emotions

Synchronicity

Posted in Chapter 3, Year 2022Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
Dolphins

It’s been a few days since I’ve had an inspiration to write something new. Today it came. Thanks to PW 50: ‘What is my relationship with synchronicity and what do I imagine is possible when I bring more awareness to the role it plays in my life?‘

‘For me, synchronicity is all about perfect harmony, matching movements, sounds that are totally in tune, aligned frequencies, umami tastes, moments when your heart is open, overflowing with love, joy, and trust. Things happen, I meet people I was supposed to meet, I end up in places I was meant to be – timing is impeccable.

Synchronicity is powerful, mesmerizing, it draws in, it attracts. For example, if we all started breathing following the same rhythm we would create a flow and become part of that same flow we created.

Just imagine watching 50 Irish dancers on the stage, tapping their feet at the same time, totally in tune. Or listening to a choir of 30 people singing a song, their voices joint, blended as one. How about the orchestra and all the instruments playing the same beautiful melody?

What about nature?
Watching, listening to the river can be incredibly soothing. All the water is moving towards the same direction, singing the same song, each drop of water is absolutely aligned.

Have you ever watched a flock of birds flying in the sky – or a murmuration of starlings? Hundreds and hundreds of birds flying as one, every single bird perfectly aligned. What an incredible performance!

What about two or more people brainstorming, coming up with great ideas, their frequencies matching, bubbling, in sync with one another, in their thoughts, intentions, working together, being part of the same flow

Synchronicity is all around us – we just need to pause, pay attention, and recognize it.

Take a look at your wonderful body, the movement of your legs and arms as you walk, when you run. It wouldn’t happen if it wasn’t in sync, not in a million years.’

Synchronicity brought me synchronicity itself. How much more in sync could I get?

Working through the 20 PrivateWork prompts has revealed a number of insights. It was a much needed exercise of confirmation. Now that I’m in that flow I want to capture every drop of it. Squeeze it out, here, on a paper, so every time I need to recollect and realign myself, all I need to do is refer to this moment. Come back to these words – to the space that binds these synchronistically infused thoughts. The empty, silent space out of which the flow emerges and carries on. To me, living words are the most beautiful art & science of magic that gets captured in a very special way, but not really captured because it remains free – always.

The words I read carry the powerful fragrance that is strong enough to bring me back to this moment when I digress. We all digress from time to time and that’s ok. We all wobble in life. Life is a challenging affair – we are constantly dealing with thoughts, information, never ending stories upon stories, emotions, we continue storing gigabytes of memory.

As if nature, the most brilliant architect I have ever come across, has engineered this game that seems to have no end, unless you take charge, unless you awaken, become more aware and start working, tirelessly. Until you expand your pause between the stimulus and your response, not allowing to continue reacting – re+acting. Have you ever thought of this word – it’s genius. It holds the meaning of itself – continuously repeating the same old act. We all react – until we don’t.

Instead of reacting, all we need to do is learn to introduce the pause – we have to master the art of expanding the length of the mighty pause, so we can allow the clarity to arrive – we enter the flow and we gain the ability to respond.

Relationship with myself and others is about being in sync with each other. When you’re in sync with your self you can be in sync with anyone. Even when they are not. Therefore it is my responsibility – it starts with me. Responsibility – ability to respond. Either I choose to bring harmony, peace of mind to this world or I choose not to. Hence, we all seek activities that help us realign with ourselves – and that’s a good, useful approach. For me it’s swimming, yoga, writing, meditation, dancing, being in nature, listening to particular music, horse riding, churning mugs on a potter’s wheel. For you it can be something else – find out what that is, because it’s more important than you think.

Synchronicity is a state of pure bliss – Ananda – no friction, no fear, no resistance, no control, no doubt. Responding while having trust, complete trust in the way you respond to the stimulus that came your way.

Skillfully, gracefully, with a smile, with an open heart. In sync, in tune, at one, in alignment, in the flow… back to oneness with life, back to the Self. Like a river, like gazillion droplets of water, all flowing towards the Ocean. Like a dancer becoming merging with music. Like your heartbeat, perfectly aligned with yourself, with the universe. Body, mind, and soul, completely in sync.

What an experience – what a beautiful life to be able to live like that. Now that’s what I call a life worth living.

In sync, in harmony, in tune with One Self, hence in sync with everything and everyone else.

Om

The Watchers and the Mood Swingers

Posted in Chapter 3, Year 2022Tagged , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

The world appears before your eyes; therefore, it mostly appears depending on how we perceive it, not how it truly is.

If only we were able to see the world as it is, however, it never seems to be that simple. In addition, our perception changes frequently, depending on our changing moods.

I’d like to invite you to start contemplating your moods. Why? Because they define your reality – it is not only emotions that do it – it is the very container that holds your emotions that defines it even more – your underlying moods. Moods matter more than you can imagine, yet, they are seldom mentioned and spoken about.

What to do when you find ourselves seeing your life as bleak, unfair, hostile, boring, unpleasant, unfulfilling, unhappy, etc.?

STEP 1

The very first, most simple and readily accessible tool we all have on our disposal is the observer – the watcher. You are that observer, the watcher!

We observe, we watch the world around us all the waking time of our days. Mostly we watch the outside world, happenings around us, news feeds on our mobile phones, screens, people around us, weather conditions, colors, cars, changes, etc.

The question is, how much of your day do you dedicate watching what goes on inside you?

Do you ever observe what your body is doing? For example, when you go for a walk, you sit down, you drive your car, type a message – do you ever observe your breath, do you ever notice how your left- or right-hand moves, how your legs move, your fingers, how your head turns, neck bends, how your eyes go from left to right? Well, perhaps when you go for a yoga session to do your asanas – when you are constantly reminded to be fully aware. But what if yoga asanas became more integrated as part of your daily life and you become the watcher?

This kind of observation can happen in parallel to watching the outside world – it will not compromise your ability to see or for you to become less productive – on the contrary, it will make you more aloof, more in the body. You will operate in a more grounded way – from a place where you are coming from to face the world around you.

Now, this is the easiest, entry point of the 4 steps of the watcher that you’re going to learn about in this post.

Being in the body, being aware of your body and what it does is the first step of strengthening your watcher.

STEP 2

Next step, an important step is to start watching your thoughts – as you brush your teeth, jog, swim, eat your food, or put your clothes on – what are you thinking about? Now this may be a bit trickier – but doable. If you have started watching your body and have done it a few times you have already began training your mind to become more attentive, responsive to your command.

It’s a bit like training your puppy – if you ever had one, you will know that it takes a great deal of patience and repetition, but it works and it makes life much more pleasant and enjoyable. Same applies to our thoughts.

Once in a while, try and catch your thoughts – find out what you are thinking about when you catch yourself off guard. You can even use your phone alarm – set a random reminder that pops up like “Sherlock Holmes or Hercules Poirot Time”. Make it a fun game you play with yourself. 😊

STEP 3

Once you have built up enough observation muscle and can easily catch & watch your thoughts arising and passing away, you can up your game to a new level and start watching your feelings – your emotions. Just watching – never judging. Remember, no one likes to be judged – this includes you judging yourself. If you notice being sad – ok – simply say to yourself – I see sadness, this too shall pass. Same with happiness, joy, trust, fear, surprise, disgust, anger, anticipation, etc.

The rule of the game is to remain the watcher of the game. It’s like, when you watch the NBA game – you are not allowed to play in the court, but you are welcome to watch.

So, like this, you start watching your game of feelings, emotions and start recognizing your own NBA players, your rising and falling stars, lead guards, shooters, defenders, highest achievers. You start watching which of them lead the game, lead in the score – is it joy, lust, fear, or anger?

Try watching without aversion or attachment – if you can, try to remain impartial. When emotions arise and peak you don’t want confrontations because it usually backfires. This includes judgement, scolding, shaming, blaming yourself. It ends up adding fuel to the fire, it strengthens the emotions and weakens the watcher. You want to strengthen the watcher instead.

As soon as you enter the field of your emotions as a peaceful watcher, you have already done your job.

For example, if emotions were characters in a story, they would feel like we felt when we were little kids playing in a kindergarten.  When left on our own, behind closed doors, without anyone watching, we eventually started shouting, fighting for different toys, pinching each other. Than, all of a sudden, the door opened and in came the teacher – completely composed and quiet. Merely by their appearance and presence the whole room came to a still. No more fighting, no more shouting and causing havoc – the pleasant play resumed.

That’s exactly the role of your watcher. The more you practice watching the stronger becomes your presence when you enter your home field. You will be amazed how incredibly empowering it feels once you recognize that force within you. Same like we admired our kinder garden teachers – they all looked like heroes to us when we were little, we all looked up to them. The same principle applies with you being a watcher – and we can all grow up to that level and achieve that strength and position. In fact – some of you might have already become that very teachers you once admired.

STEP 4

Ok – now that you became a proficient watcher of your body, thoughts, and feelings, it’s time to up the game to the ultimate level when you start recognizing the container that holds all the emerging feelings, appearing and disappearing thoughts, and your body motions.

The mighty moods!

Moods are incredibly mysterious, changing, but less volatile than thoughts and feelings and they are longer lasting. Moods define the course of action. They act like music in the background, they set the tone. They either make us sing, jump up and down, put us in a contemplative state, or help us fall asleep. Think about your favorite concert where thousands of people share the same mood. Or, remember going to an event or a party – the mood sets the tone of your state of being and your behavior. It pulls out your emotions and it flavors your thoughts.

Moods are incredibly important – if you make you decision when you’re in an agry or arrogant mood you can damage your reputation, hurt someone, you can end up making very poor choices that you regret later on when your angry mood changes to a more placid, composed one.

Hence it is essential to learn to navigate and set the tone of your own moods and not allow the moods to set the tone for your erratic behavior and reactions. It depends from one person to another, however, if you’re a powerful person with a strong personality it will exacerbate your moods and impact many people, not just your family members and those around you. Consequences depend on the role you represent and play in your life and in this world. It makes a huge difference when you can manage your own moods. Becoming a vigilant watcher sure helps.

When it comes to moods, I think it’s important to point out the correlation between food we eat and our moods.

For example, how do your moods change when you suddenly take a lot of sugar (white, refined sugar, honey, maple syrup, fruits, saturated with sugar, a bag of dry fruits, products with high amount of sugar, unprocessed carbo hydrates like white wheat products and white rice that have a faster release of sugar instead of unrefined grains with gradual, long-term release).

How does that affect your mood? Well, if you don’t burn the excess energy that sugar creates in your body with some sort of physical or mental activity it finds different outlets, which are usually your poor habits. You get all hyped up for the first 15 minutes and then drop down and end up being all cranky. Sugar acts on the same part of the brain as cocaine does – it instantly releases serotonin and dopamine.

Watch it! Observe yourself, your body, your thoughts, your feelings and see what happens when you take excess sugar. Watch a kid, the one that is lively by default – what happens when you give him or her a couple of candies and they get a sugar rush? It changes their mood.  

I suggest you try and go as much sugar free as you can – “sugar free ‘coz you want to be”! Look at sugar more as a medicine that helps you when you feel lethargic or need some energy – just like coffee. Take it as your medicine, don’t let it become a habit.

Note: I’m not a food expert. I simply used sugar as an example, because we can all relate to it and it’s a powerful indicator, having noticed how it affects me and what it does to my moods, my feelings, and thoughts. It has a strong impact and I’m trying my best to remain as composed a possible in life. It serves me much better – that kind of cool, consistent mood or equanimity, hence I am aware of what I eat and how much of what. You are what you eat – though I would refine this statement and say – you become what you eat and the food you eat impact your moods.

For those of you interested to delve deeper into this topic… According to the Yogic tradition there are 3 main imperfections that give birth to the mind:

  • Moha
  • Raga
  • Dwesha

Moha or delusion is the root of illusion, root of all cravings, imagining something that is not – it’s your false imagination, when you start thinking the grass is greener on the other side, or you imagine the other person to be perfect and you are later disappointed. You did not see them for what they were, but for what you wanted to see in them.   

Raga or attraction – you crave things you think will fulfill you, because you think you are not whole already as you are, you consistently look for accomplishment. You think you are small and incomplete.

Dwesha or aversion, resistance – you think you have to keep yourself safe from others and the world, as if there are things outside that will diminish you. Again, you believe and behave as if you are small and incomplete.  Whereas just the opposite is true – you already are perfect and complete.

Moha, Raga and Dwesha produce 6 children, which are the 6 defining roots of our moods. They are:

  • Kama – lust
  • Krodha – anger
  • Lobha – greed
  • Madha – arrogance
  • Moha – delusion that causes illusion
  • Maatsarya – jealousy

Apart from the 3 imperfections there are also 3 elixirs that can help. They don’t produce any children and lead one towards unity. They are:

  • Attraction to the self – longing for Atman, God
  • Grace of existence, universe
  • Revealing potency of the self – the watcher, visibility, clarity

We all have our predominant moods – something that defines our character, what we bring along when we enter the room – some people bring cheer, some heaviness, some are bubbly, witty, grumpy, negative, positive, etc. Modes change throughout the day, from one day to another, as well as through different phases of our lives.

When it comes to moods – you can help set the stage of how you want your day to pan out.

You have total control over many factors that influence your moods. For example:

  • Environment you choose to be in (nature, shopping mall, rural, urban, noisy, quiet)
  • Food you choose to eat
  • Music you listen to, movies you watch  
  • People you hang out with
  • Activities you engage yourself in
  • Roles you choose to play in your life
  • Thoughts you generate, marinate in, emotions you feed and feel

These are just a few I can think of this moment.

For example, I like writing, because it sets me in a particular mood where I start sharing what I have learned in my life, mostly based on my experiences and observation. Writing acts like an outlet for my insights. It puts me in a self-seeking mood. Whatever I have learned and find valuable I like to share; it makes me feel grateful that I can. I like to connect to kind, likeminded people; it makes me content. I choose healthy food, with very little sugar, I like to meditate, do yoga, dance, travel, explore, exercise, keep in motion and good shape and have couple of interesting challenges. It all sets me up for the right kind of mood to help generate pleasant emotions and have conducive thoughts that support my life goals – all of it defines my lifestyle. That’s why I‘m internally motivated to choose what I know is good for me.

Be a watcher, not a mood swinger!

When is the most conducive time of the day to watch your moods? It depends from one person to another – generally speaking, it usually happens during transitions – when you switch from work to home mood, during sunrises, sunsets, while having a quiet lunch or a dinner, going from one activity to another, waking up from sleep, just before falling asleep.

Try it out, see what works for you. The ultimate indicator is your level of inner peace, how content you are with your life, how much energy you have throughout your day and the joy you feel inside – that’s what ultimately leads to happiness in life.

The road can be paved with all sorts of material and the 4 steps presented above are only one of the examples of how you can go about your day, your life. They work for me and if what I have shared adds a stepping stone towards your happiness it’s surely brings happiness to me. Every little bit counts, that’s for sure!

Have a great day. I wish you all the best.  

We All Struggle – Until we Don’t

Posted in Chapter 2, Year 2022Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
Mother and a child

My every day can start off bright and shiny, but there’s no guarantee my experience will continue being the same through my day. As day goes by, there are so many different occurrences that can impact my moods, emotions, thoughts, my level of energy.

For example, I’m not that great in prolonged exposures in crowdy places. I can manage, for a while, but it takes a toll. My comfort zone is being around a hand-full of people in bright, open spaces, where nature dominates the place. I know my limits; I have not yet grown up to a more challenging environment without taking a hit and that’s ok. I know that I’m exactly where I am supposed to be, and that’s true for every single day in my life.  

For example, a few days ago I was traveling from Costa Rica to California. Everything was fine up to the point when I had to join the endless spiraling queue with hundreds of other people waiting to get through the US immigration process that IMO is no longer fit for the 21st century. Many fellow passengers were anxious, not knowing if they will ever manage to catch their connecting flight. It was 1pm, my flight was scheduled to leave at 4:10pm. I was ok to start with, I was mainly being by myself, listening to Osho’s discourses – The Divine Melody – reminding me of the essence of life.

At the same time, I started noticing the energy around, which was quite turbulent. The watch was showing 3:20pm when I got to the immigration officer who seemed not to care very much.

As soon as I was done, I rushed off trying to find Terminal 6, which couldn’t be placed at the very end of all the terminals. Luckily my friend I was travelling with managed to check in my luggage. It was 3:45pm and I really didn’t want to miss the flight and get stuck in the LA. Later on I figured out there are plenty of planes flying out to where we were going, so it wouldn’t be that much of a problem. However, being stressed out, in the thick of the rush, I couldn’t see or think clear.

When I was about to join another security scanning queue, I noticed there was quite a strong-willed man next to me, who was intending to do the same thing, at the same time as me, only that I was faster. That seemed to have triggered something inside him; he had a strong reaction and that irritated him tremendously.

All that was on my mind was, ‘please God, help me catch this flight’, whereas he lashed fiercely at me and was deeply insulted for me pulling ahead of him. I apologized, said: “I’m really sorry, but I just need to catch my 4pm flight, I really didn’t want to upset you.” I told him: “please go ahead of me,” but he did not accept, he carried on with his energy attack, which by that moment had already reached its destination – ‘me’. He insisted that I go ahead of him, that his flight was only at 7pm and its ok, with a ‘not ok’ expression on his face. I didn’t want any more confrontations so I went ahead. At the same time, I could feel the irreversible damage – well, at least irreversible for the next 1h before I was able to recover and come back to my senses. I tried to get in touch with Joe, who was already on the plane. I wanted to let him know that I’m on the way – however, my phone connection failed, I couldn’t get through, which added to my anxiety.

With a bit of help I reached my destination; I paused at the counter where I had to show my boarding ticket and I took several deep breaths to relax before I moved on. The hostess looked at me and said it’s ok, you made it on time.

I managed to get on the plane at 4:03pm, just on time for departure. Nevertheless, my heart beat went up sky high, along with my cortisol and stress levels which depleted the final few ounces of my energy reserves.

I had to face a lot of emotions; all I could think of was: “I want to go home”. The thought I resort to when I need to feel safe, sheltered, and nourished. In that moment I felt like a vulnerable child, exposed to very intense emotions that shook me up.

I realized it was my childhood trauma that reemerged to the surface. It all goes back to my first airport experience, which was quite traumatic. I was 15, going to Canada for 3 months over my summer school break. My mum and my oldest brother dropped me off at the Munich airport and left after checked in.

I was left on my own, it felt exciting, yet overwhelming. As soon as I stepped on the airplane the hostess checked my documents, passport, visa and she made a big deal about me traveling on my own – well rightly so. A child travelling on their own can easily cause suspicion, it’s something that should be taken seriously to ensure everything is ok. After all, I was only 15.

I was trying to explain that I had to leave all supporting documents and my mother’s consent letter at the ambassy when I applied for the visa – I had no documents on me that would demonstrate the proof she was asking for. She was insisting to see those documents, else I would have to leave the plane. The grueling went on; I was in almost in tears, trying to explain, to convince her that it’s ok, I am going to my aunt’s place who’ll be waiting for me at Toronto Pearson airport, that I am safe. I was also trying to explain my caretakers had already left and I’d be stranded at the airport, which could be worse.

There was so much fear and anxiety going on, tensing my body, shriveling me up in that moment. There were no mobile phones at that time. My mum and brother were on the way home, which meant I’d be stuck at Munich airport, with no one to call, I had no idea how to speak German at that time, I wouldn’t be able to spend my summer on Niagara on the Lake, meet my aunts, my cousins, see my other brother, and I had no ideas how to get back home.

I was in my fight and flight mode – totally shaken up, when by pure grace, somebody interfered. It must have been the captain who said it’s ok, you can go on and take a seat.

In tears, flooded by emotions of fear, sadness, shock, relief – I sat down. That first flight has painted my airport experience. It went so deeply, that I managed to manifest the repetition of various events that led to the similar emotional states several times since.

Situations such as the one above happens so we can be reminded of various blind spots we have to deal with, to heal, to look into, to reflect upon, and eventually come out clean on the other side. And then, another situation will occur to help us penetrate even deeper, to peel off all the layers of the onion that surround our true essence. The peeling off journey that takes us to a peaceful place where no matter what happens it no longer shakes us up.

Once you reach the core, there is no occurrence or situation in life that will throw you off balance. It’s easy to know when you get there, because you remain there permanently – unshaken, solid, like a rock that’s been sitting on the ocean shore for a millennium or more – despite the endless count of waves bashing into it, 24/7, 365 days a year, year on year, and so on. When you reach that point in life, you just know it, there is no second through, there is no doubt.

Until we get there, it’s important for people close to us to know what’s going on with us internally, so they don’t feel there’s something wrong, or that it’s their fault, or something they might have done. It’s important to share what’s really going on. This way we can avoid many unnecessary stories, dramas, and new obstacles.

Remember – each of us is dealing with our own struggles the very best we can, we just need a bit of support from time to time; a word of encouragement, a loving, kind, understanding heart, a touch of hand, a kiss, a hug, bit of love that has the power to uplift, to instill hope, to help us can carry on in life, so we don’t give up.  

Your kindness has an enormous power; never underestimate the impact your kind thoughts, words, and action can have.

A kind, loving, genuine look, word, gesture that comes from your heart has an incredibly strong ripple effect that reverberates across the universe and never gets unnoticed. Thank you for that! 

May all be well.

Om

Learnings from Pain and Suffering

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I am aware that we all have our own perception of our own unique experiences in our life. Stories I write come from my own unique experience, my own perception of life.

I wrote this piece on the 25th of March and for some reason I thought it was Mother’s Day. But it wasn’t – well – it was in a way, because for me, Mother’s Day is every day. So, I guess that’s ok.

My today’s thoughts and writing are about my mother and my father. I may have written about love, peace of mind, trust, and compassion. The uplifting states of being we all enjoy experiencing in life. But that doesn’t mean there’s no fear, pain, and suffering. In the world we live – the world of duality, it appears like one side does not exist without the other.

I have witnessed and experienced a fair share of both, pain and suffering, as well as peace and joy. As I write these stories I try to remain in the middle, and I try to understand the world inside and around me as the teeter totter sways. I try.

One thing I’m still hoping to understand is why so many people who have experienced a lot of pain and suffering continue paying it forward and allowing their pain and suffering to spread through them – onto others.

Perhaps some people still carry a whole lot of pain, and they’re simply trying to lighten up their own burden? Basically, by living, we share what you have – and if that represents a big part of what someone has, if that is what they are made of – than, that is what they are able to spread and share.

Have I just answered my question? In a way. Still, my curiosity is wanting to dig deeper.

I can clearly see a distinction between the actions of individuals who have brought their pain and suffering to their awareness and stopped the spread, and the reactions of those who still haven’t, yet are on the way.

Sometimes they simply haven’t had a chance to do so, life has not yet afforded them with enough space for self-reflection. Their lives were too busy, existential needs were more important. And eventually, pain and suffering trickled down so deep that even when they would have the required time and space, they could no longer see it, reach it. The deeper our pains and sufferings slip in, the harder it is to shake it up and bring it up to the surface, where we can face it. It takes a lot – sometimes an accident, a burnout, or a disease such as cancer or a stroke, paralysis, sometimes death itself. That’s a difficult way to go.

Even if someone else is able to see how much you struggle inside and wants to help you, while you still have a chance, no one can change your destiny. One can only fully accept you as you are, love you, stand by your side, nudge you, support you, show you the way, the door, hoping you will see that door and walk though. Yet, to walk you have to be ready and make a first step.

In this day and age there is a lot of suffering and pain. According to Vedic tradition, we live in Kali Yuga – the timespan of ca 5800 years where suffering, anger, aggression, and pain dominate the age; all that is accompanied by dulled down awareness.

Individuals, elites, families who rule the world during Kali Yuga represent what is often considered to be cruel, ruthless, greedy, and corrupt. I suppose it’s their time and they want to make the best of their party.

Luckily, everything has a beginning and an end – just like a sausage – vegan, vegetarian, or meat one – and we are coming to an end of this era, in a few hundred years – or so the Vedic scriptures say. However, right now, we are here and now, and that’s where we live.

During these times, there are a few who are able to see through ‘Kali’ veil of illusion. Some are here to shine bright and remind us of the light, some rebel, a few succeed, some are squashed. There are those who watch and do things inconspicuously, work on their self. Each of us, we are all an expression of the same self, all are important and as such, none should be compared.

Luckily, even during Kali Yuga, we can always choose our own allegiance. It can be lonely though, it’s not always easy to find a supporting community and people around you; still, one has to try.  

A few days ago, I had a chat with a friend from university times when I was still living in Slovenia. (I’ve been living abroad for over 20 years now.) Our conversation brought up a few interesting points. Particularly the realization about repression that often leads to pain and suffering. I have experienced that in my childhood, throughout my youth, even as a citizen of the country I was born in.

Environment we grow up in paints our reality, hence, it is important to put things into perspective and include the historical and cultural view – among many others. For example, Slovenia, the country I grew up in, is a small nation of 2 million people that have always been repressed – ever since the Illyrian tribes settled down under the Alps. It started with the Roman Empire, continued with the Habsburg Monarchy, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, Yugoslavian federation. Until today when Slovenia is still ruled, this time by the EU.

Although the culture of the nation remains strong – the Slovenian language, unique to Slovenia only – is spoken by 2 million people in this world and has survived over millennia. So has the kindness, tenacity, and resilience of its people. I suppose having to go through hard times makes us grow a turtle shell that is hard to penetrate even if someone has been stomping all over you for a very long time.
Hehe, I had quite a reaction the other day – someone I met was showing me a video of him standing on the top of his pet giant tortoise, luring him with the carrot on a stick, making him move. I called him a brut and thought he was a bully. Eeek, that was a bit harsh of me.  No wonder I had a reaction, it reminded me of what it was like growing up while feeling my authenticity was being repressed.

In addition to the country where you grew up, if either of your parents have experienced being repressed when they were children, there’s a good chance you carry the legacy of repression, of some sort. Important to add, it’s not their fault, there’s no one to blame here. They simply inherited certain behaviour patterns from their parents and probably never had a chance to contemplate about it and get over it. Whereas I do, and that’s one of the reasons I started to write.

For example, my dad spent his first four years of his life in a Nazi labor camp. I can’t even imagine what that was like or what his mother, my grandmother was going through while having to nurse and take care of the little baby. Did she even have time to look after him? Was she living under constant fear? Did she have enough food, was she warm enough? What all she had to endure physically? What kind of emotional states was she going through day in day out? During those 4 long years…

Sadly, she passed away before I was born and I never had a chance to have this conversation. My father passed away when I was 10, so I couldn’t hear his story either. I have only felt their pain. Today, all I can hope is that their souls can rest in peace.  

Unfortunately, while my father was alive, his poor soul was as restless as a soul of a caged wild animal that never had a chance to experience freedom when freedom wanted and needed to be experienced.

Later on, he did experience freedom, however, that freedom was experienced out of resentment of having been repressed – not from the space of freedom. This wouldn’t be the case had he not experienced such restraints during his childhood. I think that extreme repressions in childhood leave deep scars, cause damage, and can change people forever. The wild animal within us can become very hostile.

We are all human beings, many of us still get triggered, and we all have different emotional reactions that may not be acceptable in certain situations in society we live in. Like, in school, or at work – if you are angry, you are not allowed to express your anger and range – well, unless you’re ok to deal with the consequences. Hence, it often happens that we don’t know how to deal with our own emotions – at least I never learned that in school. We tend to hide away what is really going on, we learn to put on a mask, a show, and we act. But even as such, at some point, masks are bound to fall off, because they are not strong enough to last and that’s when the ‘beast’ or the ‘hungry ghost’ comes out even more furious. Because it has been restrained.

This keeps on perpetuating and people can get more mad and confused – sometimes to the extent when they’re no longer able to control their emotions, tension, anger. Their anger can become so powerful that they develop the potency to change the air of the room they enter, making everybody shiver from fear. Most often this happens at home, behind the walls, where no one else can see and hear.

A lot of patience, love, and acceptance is needed to soothe the animal, to allow it to realize it’s safe to live, to be, so it can soften up. Life can become difficult under such circumstances if people don’t start recognizing, dealing with, and healing their emotional imbalances. For them and everyone around – the children, their mother, the whole family.

I have experienced a few moments of rage that made me tremble from fear. Of course, we also had great moments of joy and celebration, laughter, happiness, dance, and song. It wasn’t just tears and fear, it was everything, full roller-coaster ride, as I’m sure is the case with most families – to a different extent. Still – today – grown up as I am, I see how certain, particularly charged emotions carry the potency of hurting people when they’re still children. Anger & aggression cause damage and should not have a place in anyone’s home – in the ideal world. But that’s not the world we live in and sometimes we just have to learn how to deal with the consequences and reverse those negative impacts that might have happened while we were children. In order to heal and end this perpetual curse.

The wounds inflicted by horrors of war can last for decades. Second world war ended in 1945 – that is nearly 80 years ago. However, the pain and suffering inflicted upon people did not yet come to an end. And the history repeats. Just when the younger generations might have healed or began healing the wounds they inherited from their parent and grandparents, the bombing starts again.

I wonder, what is it with the rulers and leaders of Kali Yuga? Do they feast on pain and suffering of people on this earth? Is this how they derive their pleasure? To see others in perpetual pain and suffering? It appears as if they particularly like to target the Slavic womb – and have been doing so for ages. Or any other nation with a strong expression of their soul.

‘I suppose it must be quite irritating for the pleasure devouring, hungry souls when they don’t have something they so deeply and secretly crave for and desire. At the same time, they know very well that something so sacred is too far-fetched for them to acquire – due to consequences of their own past choices and deeds. So much so, they start resenting seeing that in others. They become destructive, wanting to possess, and harvest; even when they know it will be nothing but a fleeting, temporary fix and never theirs to possess. I remember seeing such tendencies in a few people in my life. Have you?‘

Back to my story…

Yet the power of the fierce soul continues shining through, it resists being taken over, and is rising all over again. Just like the sun; just like Phoenix rising from the ashes. Emerging more powerful, smarter, and stronger. It’s all a matter of time.

Thinking it was Mother’s Day I had to add a flavor of my father’s story. That’s because he was a child of his mother; but also because happiness of my mother very much depended on my father’s emotional state. So it was, and still is in many cases, particularly when it comes to – less or more – dysfunctional families.

My life has changed significantly since I was a child. Luckily, I’m in a much better place when I was when I left home.

My mum came over last year, to visit. She stayed with us; a bit over a month. At some point during her stay, she told me that I’m very lucky, because I live in a fairy tale. You see, even to this day, she still can’t fully understand that a household without tension, shouting, anger, fear, stress, resentments, where some people are being taken for granted, and taken advantage of, is NOT a fairy tale. It should be a normal way of living and being – in every home, in every household.

It took weeks before she could finally ease and experience the freedom of being. And then, it was time to return back to her own home. I’m glad, even if it happened for a day, or two, or three. I’m fortunate that we were able to offer her that space – for her to get a taste of peaceful, harmonious, and loving home. It was all worth it. In her heart she knows it is possible and once someone tastes that peace, their hearts begins to heal. I know for sure, that next time she comes over, she’ll be able to enjoy even more!

I love my mother very much, and I wish her well. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in this world, whenever that day is, but most importantly happy, loving & peaceful mother’s day every day!