saddness – BrigiTree

I want to focus my attention towards a particular emotional downfall I experience when I get triggered.

Seeing it eye to eye, just a few days ago, I came to realize that sadness is just another addiction. Certain emotions carry the potency of throwing us off balance and pulling us down. This happens to me when I feel sad, angry, afraid, worrisome, disappointed, insecure, etc.

I realized that the outcome I experience is a simple, straightforward consequence of a childhood unresolved trauma. I was 10 years old, my father – the key person in our family had passed away suddenly. The little me had created a story in her mind of being left behind, not loved, abandoned, nobody there to take care of her anymore – during that time I experienced and absorbed a lot of sadness and disappointment.

These were the two emotions that became prevalent in my life. I have developed a part of my identity – the sad, disappointed me, that often but secretly dominated over other emotions. This means that a part of my personality had to be continuously fed to keep on existing – which nicely led to the convoluted craziness of perpetual viscous circle of victimhood of sadness.

Throughout life I would often recreate scenarios to feed that part of my identity over and over again – this became a part of my reality.

Recently I have experience one of my self-mastered scenarios and I have finally gained insight into what was going on. In this particular instance, I was lucky to have been caught by my friend, who has a razor-sharp insight and who was able to penetrate through my unconscious self and blast out the dark chamber with the much-required light.

At the end of this drama, I realized that it was me who manifested the whole situation. I subconsciously invited the other person to play the role necessary for me to react exactly the way that had the potency to trigger my emotion of sadness. Here’s what has happened.

It was a lovely summer afternoon, we were sitting around the table, having a pleasant conversation over a dinner. All of a sudden, I went completely off tangent, babbling about whatever I started babbling about, which appeared as if I was in conversation with myself. My ‘co-speaker’ did no longer feel icluded and he didn’t feel like entertaining my solo stage diva performance. He called out the change of my behavior, stopped listening to me and I felt cut off. Suddenly, I fell into sadness that I wasn’t able to explain in that very moment.

My first reaction: “he doesn’t love & respect me” and I became deeply saddened with tears clogging my eyes, feeling as if someone started choking my throat. My connection with another human being abruptly came to an end.

I reacted and derived a false conclusion that my friend did not pay attention to what I was talking about because he doesn’t love and respect me. All that only to support my fake little paradigm.

If you have ever studied Patanjali Yoga Sutras you will remember that the author refers to the fluctuations of the mind as Vrittis. For me, the second sutra is one of the most important sutras in the whole book. It goes like this: ‘Yoga citta vritti nirodha‘. Yoga is the union of the mind and the discipline needed to achieve the unification, citta is the mind, vritti refers to a way of existing (mind modification), and nirodha means removal; inhibition; stoppage; suppression or restraint.

Putting it all together: “Yoga is the removal of the modifications of the mind – or removal of certain ways of existing – the ways that no longer serve us.” Please note, I have only provided the most basic interpretation of the second sutra – for a more in depth study and understanding, I would suggest you refer directly to Patanjali Yoga Sutras by I.K. Taimni.

I am very lucky and grateful. When something like this happens in my daily life, I have the inexplicable and urgent need to look deep inside the bothersome matter. I cannot go on without resolving the issues. My yoga is to consciously walk towards attaining unification of the mind, which means following the required discipline and practice that lead me towards that unification (also called sadhana).

In this particular case, I stepped aside and I took a few minutes after the event took place. I sat down, gathered my thoughts, required clarity and started jotting down what has just occurred and what I have experienced. I am only able to do this kind of deep work thanks to years of practicing Kriya Yoga. I’m sure there must be other ways for one to achieve similar realizations and resolutions, but Kriya Yoga is the path I have chosen to follow, a technique that works for me.

Going back to my story. I believe communication to be the paramount of a sustainable relationship – you have to learn to communicate if you want to cultivate a healthy relationship. You can’t just pile up unresolved issues and push them under the carpet, expecting everything will be ok and carry on as if nothing ever happened. It never works, it will erode and destroy your relationship and push you further apart. It’s not worth it – so, whenever something similar occurs to you and you have the opportunity to look into it, I highly recommend you put in some effort and find out what’s really going on – for you. For your own good. I assure you, it will make a huge difference in living your life more fully, lovingly, and freely.

At the end of my drama, I realized that all along I was unconsciously playing a very familiar game. I was using the ‘don’t love & don’t respect me trump card’ as a bait for the ego to help me spiral down the habituated part of identity I assumed as a child – sadness, withdrawal, closing down. The whole situation had absolutely nothing to do with what was occurring here & now or with the lack of love & respect my friend has for me.

Which makes me wonder. How many other similar situations have I orchestrated in life and how often, only to have thrown myself off center – depriving myself of here & now of living my full potential. How unnecessary is that – the obvious act of self-sabotage… All good, I will apply myself better going forward.

I hope that sharing my story provides an insight for you to recognize some of the blind spots most of us are struggling with. I hope you will be able to catch yourself or someone else before you/they start spiraling down the rabbit hole, while at the same time you will gain clarity to stop the game of using or falling for the ‘lack of love & respect’ scape goat to feed the hungry ghosts or vrttis.

Our beautiful minds can get very flexible and we have endless amount of creativity to produce oodles of ‘baloneys’ with our convoluted stories, just to keep the habituated victimhood roles & dramas alive and going. Once you realize that and acknowledge the fact that you don’t have to play that role again, because it’s not who you truly are, you can choose a different, more authentic way of your truer self-expression.

I also realized the love and respect I have for myself is not yet 100% – hence the projection towards someone who is close to me about their lack of love & respect towards me. Even though my projection is completely unsubstantiated. Another nugget to work through… all in its due time.

I strive to remain truthful to myself, because only truth liberates. It adds stability to my way of being, thus I face less and less reactions, self-imposed restrictions, and unnecessary drawbacks. Life can be good anf life is good.

As the guide on my side points out (with a bit of a twist of my own): “Work it out before it acts you out. Catch it early – nip it in the bud.”

The original quote goes like this: “Work it out, before you act it out”. You may want to check out more on the Private Work Self Coaching platform – it’s a useful resource, full of guided activities, designed towards generating much needed awareness and cultivating beautiful streams of insightfulness.

Om

My every day can start off bright and shiny, but there’s no guarantee my experience will continue being the same through my day. As day goes by, there are so many different occurrences that can impact my moods, emotions, thoughts, my level of energy.

For example, I’m not that great in prolonged exposures in crowdy places. I can manage, for a while, but it takes a toll. My comfort zone is being around a hand-full of people in bright, open spaces, where nature dominates the place. I know my limits; I have not yet grown up to a more challenging environment without taking a hit and that’s ok. I know that I’m exactly where I am supposed to be, and that’s true for every single day in my life.

For example, a few days ago I was traveling from Costa Rica to California. Everything was fine up to the point when I had to join the endless spiraling queue with hundreds of other people waiting to get through the US immigration process that IMO is no longer fit for the 21st century. Many fellow passengers were anxious, not knowing if they will ever manage to catch their connecting flight. It was 1pm, my flight was scheduled to leave at 4:10pm. I was ok to start with, I was mainly being by myself, listening to Osho’s discourses – The Divine Melody – reminding me of the essence of life.

At the same time, I started noticing the energy around, which was quite turbulent. The watch was showing 3:20pm when I got to the immigration officer who seemed not to care very much.

As soon as I was done, I rushed off trying to find Terminal 6, which couldn’t be placed at the very end of all the terminals. Luckily my friend I was travelling with managed to check in my luggage. It was 3:45pm and I really didn’t want to miss the flight and get stuck in the LA. Later on I figured out there are plenty of planes flying out to where we were going, so it wouldn’t be that much of a problem. However, being stressed out, in the thick of the rush, I couldn’t see or think clear.

When I was about to join another security scanning queue, I noticed there was quite a strong-willed man next to me, who was intending to do the same thing, at the same time as me, only that I was faster. That seemed to have triggered something inside him; he had a strong reaction and that irritated him tremendously.

All that was on my mind was, ‘please God, help me catch this flight’, whereas he lashed fiercely at me and was deeply insulted for me pulling ahead of him. I apologized, said: “I’m really sorry, but I just need to catch my 4pm flight, I really didn’t want to upset you.” I told him: “please go ahead of me,” but he did not accept, he carried on with his energy attack, which by that moment had already reached its destination – ‘me’. He insisted that I go ahead of him, that his flight was only at 7pm and its ok, with a ‘not ok’ expression on his face. I didn’t want any more confrontations so I went ahead. At the same time, I could feel the irreversible damage – well, at least irreversible for the next 1h before I was able to recover and come back to my senses. I tried to get in touch with Joe, who was already on the plane. I wanted to let him know that I’m on the way – however, my phone connection failed, I couldn’t get through, which added to my anxiety.

With a bit of help I reached my destination; I paused at the counter where I had to show my boarding ticket and I took several deep breaths to relax before I moved on. The hostess looked at me and said it’s ok, you made it on time.

I managed to get on the plane at 4:03pm, just on time for departure. Nevertheless, my heart beat went up sky high, along with my cortisol and stress levels which depleted the final few ounces of my energy reserves.

I had to face a lot of emotions; all I could think of was: “I want to go home”. The thought I resort to when I need to feel safe, sheltered, and nourished. In that moment I felt like a vulnerable child, exposed to very intense emotions that shook me up.

I realized it was my childhood trauma that reemerged to the surface. It all goes back to my first airport experience, which was quite traumatic. I was 15, going to Canada for 3 months over my summer school break. My mum and my oldest brother dropped me off at the Munich airport and left after checked in.

I was left on my own, it felt exciting, yet overwhelming. As soon as I stepped on the airplane the hostess checked my documents, passport, visa and she made a big deal about me traveling on my own – well rightly so. A child travelling on their own can easily cause suspicion, it’s something that should be taken seriously to ensure everything is ok. After all, I was only 15.

I was trying to explain that I had to leave all supporting documents and my mother’s consent letter at the ambassy when I applied for the visa – I had no documents on me that would demonstrate the proof she was asking for. She was insisting to see those documents, else I would have to leave the plane. The grueling went on; I was in almost in tears, trying to explain, to convince her that it’s ok, I am going to my aunt’s place who’ll be waiting for me at Toronto Pearson airport, that I am safe. I was also trying to explain my caretakers had already left and I’d be stranded at the airport, which could be worse.

There was so much fear and anxiety going on, tensing my body, shriveling me up in that moment. There were no mobile phones at that time. My mum and brother were on the way home, which meant I’d be stuck at Munich airport, with no one to call, I had no idea how to speak German at that time, I wouldn’t be able to spend my summer on Niagara on the Lake, meet my aunts, my cousins, see my other brother, and I had no ideas how to get back home.

I was in my fight and flight mode – totally shaken up, when by pure grace, somebody interfered. It must have been the captain who said it’s ok, you can go on and take a seat.

In tears, flooded by emotions of fear, sadness, shock, relief – I sat down. That first flight has painted my airport experience. It went so deeply, that I managed to manifest the repetition of various events that led to the similar emotional states several times since.

Situations such as the one above happens so we can be reminded of various blind spots we have to deal with, to heal, to look into, to reflect upon, and eventually come out clean on the other side. And then, another situation will occur to help us penetrate even deeper, to peel off all the layers of the onion that surround our true essence. The peeling off journey that takes us to a peaceful place where no matter what happens it no longer shakes us up.

Once you reach the core, there is no occurrence or situation in life that will throw you off balance. It’s easy to know when you get there, because you remain there permanently – unshaken, solid, like a rock that’s been sitting on the ocean shore for a millennium or more – despite the endless count of waves bashing into it, 24/7, 365 days a year, year on year, and so on. When you reach that point in life, you just know it, there is no second through, there is no doubt.

Until we get there, it’s important for people close to us to know what’s going on with us internally, so they don’t feel there’s something wrong, or that it’s their fault, or something they might have done. It’s important to share what’s really going on. This way we can avoid many unnecessary stories, dramas, and new obstacles.

Remember – each of us is dealing with our own struggles the very best we can, we just need a bit of support from time to time; a word of encouragement, a loving, kind, understanding heart, a touch of hand, a kiss, a hug, bit of love that has the power to uplift, to instill hope, to help us can carry on in life, so we don’t give up.

Your kindness has an enormous power; never underestimate the impact your kind thoughts, words, and action can have.

A kind, loving, genuine look, word, gesture that comes from your heart has an incredibly strong ripple effect that reverberates across the universe and never gets unnoticed. Thank you for that!

May all be well.

Tag: saddness

Victimhood of Sadness

We All Struggle – Until we Don’t